Setting your boundaries has many benefits!

How are you at setting boundaries? We’ve been thinking about this subject because many people struggle with setting boundaries. This happens especially during the holidays when they are confronted with a variety of social situations. Today we’ll talk about what it means to set boundaries and the benefits that happen from doing so.

Brené Brown said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

What does it mean to set boundaries for yourself? It means that you’re defining what you will do and what you won’t do. This is not done to hurt others, but to help you feel more calm, confident and in control of your life.

One big benefit that people report is that they feel free to do what they want to do and don’t feel constrained. This is not being selfish. It’s about feeling personal control of situations. But not controlling others. They feel more confident that they’re not doing something out of guilt, but rather doing something by their own choice.

Your boundaries provide a guide for your life. Getting clear on your values will help you get clear on your boundaries. When you’re clear about your boundaries, it will allow you to be honest with people. It means knowing when to say ‘no’ and when to say ‘yes’ and sometimes there’s even a time for a ‘maybe’ condition.

When you are clear on what you want your boundaries to be, it avoids feeling taken advantage of or being upset and angry when someone asks you do to something and you don’t want to do it. That’s the time to say ‘no’. Nancy Levin said, “Each time you set a healthy boundary, you say ‘yes’ to more freedom in your life.”

So, when it’s needed, how can you say ‘no’ in a nice way? Saying no can feel awkward but here’s one way to approach that situation. You can say no respectfully by saying something like, ‘Thank you for thinking of me but I don’t feel comfortable doing what you are asking’. You don’t really need to have any excuse but when you offer a reason, then it seems somewhat more friendly.

It gets a bit harder when you want to help but only want to do so much or part of what is asked of you.  Now that’s a ‘maybe’ time to negotiate for what you want to see happen. For example, if asked, “Would you be willing to watch my children for the weekend?” Maybe you could agree to watch their children another weekend or do an exchange where they also watch your children for another weekend. It’s kind of like bartering.

Here’s an example that involves setting a boundary for ourselves that we conveyed to someone. A wonderful person we know wanted our address. We suspected that she wanted to send us a gift and that the gift was a plant. Our boundary was to not get any more plants, especially if we’re going to do some traveling. So we came right out and asked her if she was planning to send us a plant. She said that it was her intention to do so.

We had to politely as possible decline her gift idea. She then asked us what she could do to show appreciation. She’s very proficient with technology so we asked her if she would be willing to teach us about that technology. She liked that idea and we were thrilled. She also said she appreciated that we were so honest with her about the plant. 

The holidays often present scenarios where boundaries can be beneficial to help you relax and enjoy the festivities. Sometimes families that have been pulled apart by divorce come together “for the sake of the children.” Boundaries here can help you and others feel most comfortable. Often these boundaries involve focusing on the children and avoiding subjects that could get “touchy” between adults.

Other times, there are family dinners where family members sit together. They may have very different and passionate views on subjects such as politics and religion. For situations like this, the hosts will sometimes suggest setting boundaries where those subjects are not discussed. This will often keep the dinnertime respectful and enjoyable.

What about you? Are you clear on your boundaries? Your values can be a good guide to set your boundaries on what you say ‘yes’ to and what you say ‘no’ to. Then you’ll reap the many benefits of having boundaries and even more confidently handle the various situations that arise.

Chanhassen MN residents, Doug and Lynn Nodland are success coaches and owners of The Balance Center in Excelsior. Contact them at WeCare@SharingLifesLessons.com

© Doug and Lynn Nodland 2021 Articles and videos may be shared in their entirety with attribution.