Life lessons on anger and forgiveness

What do you do when you feel angry? We recognize that there’s a lot of anger being expressed in the world today. Sometimes it’s between countries and sometimes anger happens closer to home. Many families and friends are divided over political beliefs and other issues.

We know that being angry is an uncomfortable way to feel. When anger is held onto, over time it can produce negative health consequences of lowered immune systems, cardiovascular problems, cell damage and even increased mortality. Because anger is destructive to relationships and health, we decided to look at positive ways to handle anger. We’ll share a popular story about what one boy learned about the consequences of anger.

There was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally, the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that the boy could hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave scars just like the holes in the fence. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”

The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said, “I hope you can forgive me, father, for the holes I put in you.”

“Of course I can,” said the father.

The author of this little story is unknown but the story has a poignant message. The little boy learned he could control his anger and that just like physical wounds, emotional wounds leave scars. These are important life lessons and we’ll share more lessons about anger and forgiveness.

Just as the boy had time to think as he pounded nails, people will sometimes take a walk or do something physical to have time to think and lower angry feelings. Then angry feelings can be processed with logic rather than quick reactions.

Initially people might want revenge but as the logical mind takes over, often they see what happened more clearly and find a better solution. They realize that being angry doesn’t serve themselves well and definitely doesn’t solve the problem.

Replaying hurt feelings only makes them worse. Robin Sharma said, “What you focus on grows.” So instead of reliving the hurt, see what you can do to make it better by recognizing what you can control and what you can’t control. Take responsibility for whatever part, no matter how small, that contributed to the situation. Also, it’s not helpful to hang on to guilt, just look at what you can learn and do differently next time.

Hopefully, people don’t knowingly hurt people but sometimes it happens anyway. Sometimes we need to apologize or clarity. I (Lynn) remember talking to someone who told me about several friends dying. I said, “I’m sorry you have lost so many friends recently.” She got angry and said, “I haven’t lost any friends, they all like me.” Unknowingly, I had hurt her. I apologized for the miscommunication and clarified my message. Then she understood that I wanted to comfort her. Without clarification, this could have resulted in a hurtful, angry situation and a friendship negatively impacted.

Finally, forgive yourself and others even when it is difficult because it hurts you when you don’t. Marianne Wiliamson said “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.“

What about you? Do you have negative feelings of anger and unforgiveness?

Here are some ideas: Make a conscious decision to heal any feelings of anger and unforgiveness. Forgiving and letting go of anger unburdens you so you can feel the joy of life again.

Chanhassen residents Doug and Lynn Nodland are Success Coaches and owners of The Balance Center. They can be contacted at WeCare@SharingLifesLessons.com

© Doug and Lynn Nodland 2018 Articles and videos may be shared in their entirety with attribution.