What are you saying to yourself?

What is your self-talk? What are you saying to yourself? I had some self-talk that gave me exactly what I was asking for. I was feeling overwhelmed and working hard. I said, “I really need a break! And I need a trip!” Well, I got exactly what I asked for – imagine that! One day, I went out to water the flowers. On the top step, I got my “trip” and I fell right down on the hard sidewalk. Guess what else? I also got my “break”. Doug says it was a ”two for one.” My humerus bone was broken and he says I didn’t see that as too humorous. Correct! It wasn’t humorous but I got the trip and the break. So, definitely be careful what you say. What I learned is to clarify exactly what I want.

Self-talk not only includes what you say to yourself, it also includes what questions you ask yourself. Jim Rohn, a wise mentor, said, “If you ask yourself bad questions, you are going to get bad answers.” Some examples of bad questions are, Why can’t I ever lose weight? Why am I always in debt? Why can’t I have the relationships that I want? Instead, better questions might be, What can I do today to start losing weight? What can I do today to improve my financial situation? What can I do today to have better relationships? Those are good questions.

Using Why questions is like looking in the rearview mirror, dealing with where you’ve been. Using What and How questions is like looking out the front windshield, dealing with the present and where you want to go.

For example, if you drive the car forward while you look in the rearview mirror, you will end up off the road. Instead, if you look out the front windshield, you can make those minor corrections so you stay on the road to your successful destination. What clarification or correction would be helpful for your self-talk?

To explore more, we asked some people about their self-talk. When asked what she says to herself when she’s done something she’s proud of, Rachel Rice said, “Good job, way to go! I may feel proud and not say the words but it’s a feeling, too.” Then we asked Rachel, what do you say to yourself when things aren’t going so well for you? She replied, “Sometimes life gets in your way, you’re late or things don’t go your way, you have to forgive yourself. Maybe take time to reflect on it. You can learn from it and try not to repeat it in the future. I think forgiveness,” she shared with a smile, “being a teacher, at the end of the school year, it’s good to be able to forgive.”

Then we met Diane Ewing. When asked what she says to herself when she does something well, she said, “Reflecting on the incredible blessing, I’ve learned through the years that life isn’t about me and that gives me a great sense of purpose. If I’ve done something really well, I look to how it positively impacted others. That is what gives me my greatest sense of joy.” Then I asked Diane, what do you say to yourself when you haven’t done something well? Diane answered, “It’s interesting, now that I’m older, the answer is certainly different than it would be when I was in my twenties. Now I see that I am grateful for the failures that I’ve had. Through those, I’ve been able to learn quite a bit about myself and then often times, it has led to some really wonderful opportunities that I never saw coming. If I can just remain in that spirit of hopefulness, not get too discouraged and if I’m at my lowest point, I need to remind myself to just take one day at a time and sometimes just one hour at a time. Through faith and family, I’ve been able to get through quite a bit in my life.”

These people both shared some wonderful ways to use self-talk. How is your self-talk? What clarification and correction would be helpful in what you say to yourself? We all need to talk to ourselves with kindness and compassion as we travel life’s journey. We would love to hear from you.

Here’s a challenge: Take time to actually listen to what you are saying to yourself. Are your words helpful to you or do they pull you down? We encourage you to affirm yourself for your wins and to be kind of yourself and recognize your learning when things don’t go as planned.

Chanhassen residents Doug and Lynn Nodland are owners of The Balance Center. They can be contacted at WeCare@SharingLifesLessons.com

© Doug and Lynn Nodland 2017 Articles and videos may be shared in their entirety with attribution.