Do yourself a big favor – make API a habit!

What if someone says something to you that doesn’t seem quite right? We got to thinking about this subject because it’s easy for us to make up stories in our head about what someone else said or did. Yet, we don’t really know their intent.

Because we are survival creatures, we learn to watch out for things that can hurt us. We look for what people do or say and how that could negatively impact us. Unfortunately, this often contributes to us assuming negative intent. When we assume negative intent, it’s easy to ruminate on it, running it over and over through our head. We can create and project meanings that weren’t intended by the other person. What this does is generally make the seemingly negative event or person appear even more rude or disrespectful.

Sometimes assuming negative intent could be a way to avoid looking at our part in the situation.  We can feel that we would never say or do something that bad. Also, we may go over the situation to try to understand what we did wrong. At times that can be positive. Unfortunately, sometimes people say to themselves, “what’s wrong with me” that someone would treat me that way? These feelings can get very uncomfortable and cause a lot of anxiety.

If you identified with any of these feelings associated with assuming negative intent, you may not necessarily be a negative person. You may find you are a person who is easily hurt. Actually, in some cases, the hurt may be coming from your own interpretation of what others said or did. Let’s explore a new way to look at things to help you avoid those negative feelings.

One of the most helpful things we can learn, is how to assume positive intent (referred to as API). First, let’s look at assuming intent in general. Assuming intent, whether it’s negative or positive, is the act of putting our own interpretation on the interaction with someone. Sometimes it’s a verbal encounter and other times it’s nonverbal like a grunt or snicker, or a look, an attitude or body language. Our labeling may also be triggered by something else that has gone on in our life. For example, labeling someone’s intent because he or she reminds us of a person we know and really don’t like. Instead of automatic negative judgment, consider what Brene Brown said, “Assume others are doing the best they can.”   

Assuming positive intent means to try to look at the interaction and situation in the best possible way. Some people feel this is just tricking our mind and that’s one way to look at it. However, we aren’t mind-readers, so we don’t really know the intent of the other person. We have a choice to let our interpretation make us feel worse by assuming negative intent or we have the choice to help us feel better by assuming positive intent. 

Assuming positive intent is important in business. Some companies have guidelines for engagement where they include having trust, respect, a positive attitude and assuming positive intent. These values work well with teams, especially when they face challenges or disagreements. Indra Nooyi is a very successful American business woman who was CEO of PepsiCo from 2006 to 2018. When asked what was the single greatest lesson in her life, she shared that she learned it from her father. She said, “I learned to always assume positive intent. Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different.”

What works in business when assuming positive intent also works in personal relationships.

Author Emil Harker’s book, You Can Turn Conflict Into Closeness, gives these advantages of assuming positive intent. 

1. It will protect us from getting hurt by using cognitive reasoning.
2. It can prevent us from getting angry by coming up with a positive story we believe about why it happened.
3. It can help us address an issue in a way that hijacks the other’s defenses.
4. People will naturally be attracted to us because they sense our positive energy.
5. It will help us respond appropriately to others’ passive-aggressive behavior.

Harker’s book expands further on each of these advantages of assuming positive intent.

What about you? When you encounter situations where you feel slighted, follow Danielle V. Minson’s advice, “Work from the assumption that people are good, fair and honest and that the intent behind their actions is positive.” And remember, do yourself a big favor by making API a habit.  

Chanhassen MN residents, Doug and Lynn Nodland are success coaches and owners of The Balance Center in Excelsior. Contact them at WeCare@SharingLifesLessons.com

© Doug and Lynn Nodland 2022 Articles and videos may be shared in their entirety with attribution.