What do you say when you talk to yourself?

Doug and I teach people about the importance of positive self-talk, however, this morning, I wasn’t taking our own advice. I took one look in that mirror and had some not so self-affirming thoughts about the woman staring back at me. It took me a few minutes to resurrect some more positive self-talk. This incident prompted us to write about how your self-talk affects your self-esteem and self-worth.

There are many benefits of nurturing your self-worth. These include, increased self-love and improved relationships. You can feel more confident and motivated to live your life fully. Also, when you value yourself, you’ll likely take better care of your health.

We have studied research in this area for many years. John Dryden said, “We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.” Marisa Peer, a popular therapist from the UK, has made several contributions to the field. Here are a few habits to develop that she, and others, suggest to grow more self-worth and feel more self-love.

1. Stop criticizing yourself. You may wonder how subconscious messages could cause so much negativity in life. Here’s how: First, about seventy percent of our thoughts each day are negative and they are generally subconscious. The real problem is that when we say something to ourselves, our brain and body don’t discern what’s true and what’s not true. The subconscious takes it all in as true, believes it, makes decisions and acts accordingly.
   These messages can end up having disastrous effects on health and well-being. If you catch yourself saying something negative to yourself, say “Stop it!” Then reframe it into an encouraging, loving, phrase. Louise Hay said, “You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
2. Praise yourself, and don’t expect someone else to do it. Don’t give someone else the job of praising you and meeting your unmet needs. If you give someone the power and responsibility to make you feel good about yourself, they could just as well decide to quit the job. Learn to praise yourself with all the things you want and need to hear.
   What did you not hear from parents, family members or others that you wished they would have said? People are not perfect and no one can know for sure what things you need to hear, except you. If they said something hurtful, try to forgive them and reframe what was said so it feels affirming to you. You know what those things are and you can say them to yourself. Say the things you need to hear so you feel safe, loved and cherished. Surprisingly, as you love yourself and recognize your self-worth, others are also more attracted to you. Mandy Hale said, “Confidence is the ability to feel beautiful without needing someone to tell you. ”
3. Make praising yourself and positive self-talk a habit. It’s not arrogant, nor narcissistic to praise yourself a lot. It’s a way to promote self-love and help you feel worthy of being loved by others. Research shows that it’s a mistake to try to get someone to love you. It should not be that hard. We are all imperfect, so accept yourself just as you are now. You can always try to be better, and we believe that your Higher Power created you, a unique individual with many strengths and talents. You are enough, just as you are. Love yourself for the imperfect, but authentic real you. Then you’ll also find that your relationships will improve. Jane Travis said, “The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.

”What about you? Who do you see in the mirror? We hope you will see a very special you. As you make it a habit of praising, cherishing and affirming yourself, you’ll likely feel the joy of increased self-love and self-worth.

Chanhassen MN residents, Doug and Lynn Nodland are success coaches and owners of The Balance Center in Excelsior. Contact them at WeCare@SharingLifesLessons.com

© Doug and Lynn Nodland 2022 Articles and videos may be shared in their entirety with attribution.