How to escape the grip of codependency!

Are you codependent? Maybe you haven’t thought about that question. Also, maybe you think codependency only applies when substance abuse is involved. Originally, the term, codependent was used to describe the partner (enabler) of someone who had an addiction. It since has evolved to have a much broader usage. We got to thinking about this issue because we are seeing how easy it is for people to slip into codependent relationships.

So, what is codependency? Psychology Today says, “Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of ‘giver’, sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, ‘the taker’.” This dynamic doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. It can show up in families, with friends and even in relationships with co-workers. Codependency is an unhealthy behavior.

In healthy relationships, people care for and support each other. Each party is able to maintain their own sense of identity and self-worth separate from the other. However, in codependent relationships it is much more one-sided. It is the dysfunctional behavior of being in a relationship where one party often ends up feeling angry, overburdened and quite unhappy.

People who are codependent can be successful in other areas of their life and may not even recognize that they are codependent. Codependent people often have good intentions in wanting to care for someone who is struggling. However, their actions can evolve into compulsive and unhealthy behavior.

Julia Kristina, a mental health therapist, describes codependency as “the need to be needed”. She and others list ways to identify if you might be falling into codependent behavior. These include, but are not limited to: Feeling responsible for solving someone else’s problem; inability to say ‘no’ or set boundaries for yourself; doing anything to keep the relationship for fear of being alone; having feelings of low self-esteem and low self-worth; making excuses and/or covering for someone else’s bad behavior; constantly doing things for an adult who should be able to do it for themselves; not requiring others to take responsibility for their own lives; enabling the destructive or unhealthy behavior of another person.

Interestingly, people in the helping professions can be susceptible to being in codependent relationships. Studies have estimated that one-third of nurses can have moderate or severe levels of codependency. This is because nurses are sensitive to the needs of others and often set aside their own feelings for the needs of their patients. This behavior can continue over into their personal lives.

The irony is that attempts to continually save or rescue a loved one often results in the loved one becoming even more dependent on the codependent person. This may, at first, give the codependent person a feeling of satisfaction because, as we said before, they often like to “be needed”.  However, eventually the codependent person can feel resentful and trapped by this unhealthy, one-sided dynamic. They can also start to feel anger and frustration instead of love and compassion. To their own detriment, codependent people can lose sight of their own needs.  They get caught in the grip of codependency and feel unable to extricate themselves from the cycle of behavior.

So, how does someone stop being codependent? Like so many things, change can only take place if one becomes aware that there is a problem. Once there’s awareness, then steps can be taken to overcome codependency. These steps can include setting healthy boundaries for yourself by deciding what behavior you will accept, and what behavior you won’t accept, from others. Set limits on what you will or won’t do for others and stick to it. Here’s a big one, don’t allow the problems of others to consume your life.

As stated before, people who are in codependent relationships often can have feelings of low self-esteem. If that is true for you, it helps to focus on your strengths and things that make you happy. Replace negative self-talk with positive thoughts. As always, its helpful to take care of your personal health through proper diet, adequate sleep and exercise, and attending to your emotional needs. Prayer and meditation can help calm you and lower stress.

Some situations may require seeking help from a mental health professional for individual therapy. Group therapy can be effective in helping to develop healthy relationships and holding people accountable for making changes.

What about you? As David Stafford said, “Whenever you feel compelled to put others first at the expense of yourself, you are denying your own reality, your own identity.” If you’ve slipped into the grip of codependency, we encourage you to use the suggestions given to have happier, healthier relationships.

Chanhassen MN residents, Doug and Lynn Nodland are success coaches and owners of The Balance Center in Excelsior. Contact them at WeCare@SharingLifesLessons.com

© Doug and Lynn Nodland 2022 Articles and videos may be shared in their entirety with attribution.