A lesson in communication from a young boy

A number of years ago we were standing in the greeting card section of a store looking for a birthday card for a friend. On the other side of that card section (out of sight to us) we heard a young boy saying to his mother, “Mommy, take a look at this card.” (Silence) “How about this card?” (Silence) “Look at this card.” (Silence). Finally, after we thought his patience might be running out, he calmly said, “I don’t hear ya talkin’.”

We looked at each other with a big smile. In our coaching practice we talk about the importance of good communication. We just heard a great example of a creative way to address someone when they seem to be ignoring you, or at least not listening. That little boy did it without blame, without anger and without bitterness. He simply stated, in his direct way, the fact that he did not hear his mother responding to his questions.

Years later we still use that young boy’s example with each other. Whenever we ask the other a question that doesn’t get answered for whatever reason, we will calmly say, “I don’t hear ya talkin’.” It invariably gets a smile and a quick response. It’s a life lesson in communication we gained from observing that young boy who showed wisdom beyond his years.

We all have a desire to be heard, to be acknowledged, to be valued. We all have experienced negative emotions when we felt ignored, not appreciated or not heard. It makes no difference if you are in grade school or if you are a top-level executive in a major company, everyone appreciates being heard. Author David Augsburger, Ph.D. signifies the importance of that fact when he said, “Being heard is so close to being loved that they are almost indistinguishable.”

Here are some ways to respond when you feel you are not being heard. We use a technique called Assume Positive Intent, API for short. In other words, if someone doesn’t respond to you, don’t assume they are intentionally ignoring you. Instead, maybe it’s because they did not hear you. For instance, if I (Doug) am engrossed in reading something interesting, many times Lynn will talk to me or ask me a question, and I do not “hear” it, even if she is in the same room. Through experience and training, she knows to assume that I am not purposely ignoring her. Instead, she will calmly get my attention and say something like, “I don’t hear ya talkin’. You must not have heard me when I asked you a question.”

I (Lynn) realize it’s easy for anyone to get frustrated if a question is not getting answered. Instead, try to look at the situation. If Doug is focused on something, I realize I need to step into his “concentration tunnel” by being seen. So instead of yelling from across the room, I move close to him in his line of sight. I want to be careful that when I interrupt, I know it doesn’t get him off task on a project he’s hurrying to finish. It’s about taking time to “be in the other person’s shoes” and understand that perspective. API shows up here because we assume positive intent and we consider the situation to determine what’s the best way to get the person’s attention in order to be heard.

We also noticed that the little boy used “I statements”. He said, “I don’t hear ya talkin.”
He took responsibility for what he was experiencing. He didn’t get angry and blame his mother by saying, “You’re not listening.” When we use “I statements” it makes the other person less defensive. This promotes good communication and reduces the chances for conflict.

That boy used patience and communicated clearly to his mother. She finally did listen to him and they enjoyed picking out some cards together. How different the situation could have been if instead, the little boy had a temper tantrum and lashed out at his mother because she wasn’t paying attention to him.

How about you? How do you handle the situations when you feel ignored?

Some thoughts: Next time you feel you’re not being heard, remain calm, take a deep breath and slow down. Use the ideas we mentioned above to assess the situation, assume positive intent and use “I statements” to communicate your desire to connect and be heard. The lesson in communication from the young boy has served us well and we hope it will also do the same for you.

Chanhassen residents Doug and Lynn Nodland are Success Coaches and owners of The Balance Center. They can be contacted at WeCare@SharingLifesLessons.com

© Doug and Lynn Nodland 2019 Articles and videos may be shared in their entirety with attribution.